Friendly Advice

Dear Claire,
The letter below will give you an idea of how I feel after almost all of our trips to the grocery store. I am sure if you could properly express yourself you'd agree with me. I will try my hardest to keep you away from strange people who insist on invading your personal space. However, sometimes doing so would involve acts that might land me in jail and your daddy is too much of a 'nice guy' to tell little old ladies to back off. To stay out of jail I might have to stick to passive aggressive ways to keep the hoards away, so I apologize if someone slips through the defences every once and a while.
Love,
Mama

Dear old lady at the grocery store:

Here are some things you are not allowed to do:

• Paw at, kiss, pinch or otherwise touch my baby. Period. She is not public property and you've just been digging through the meat section looking for the perfect piece of meat that you can chew up with your false teeth. You can look but don't touch (didn't your parents teach you anything?). You wouldn't do this to an adult would you? Anyway what is so special about a baby? They are not an endangered species, you can see them just about anywhere. Why they elicit such a response in complete strangers is beyond me.
• Ask me if I 'tore' down there (yes this really happened!) or otherwise comment on my post-pregnancy body. Some conversations are not appropriate in public areas or with a complete stranger. I do not ask the condition of your lady bits or comment on the fact that your breasts are down around your knees so do not assume I am going to answer similar questions.  Nor should you take my not answering to mean that I want to hear about your birth experience 60 years ago and how it destroyed your body.
• Get offended when I politely ask you to keep your hands to yourself. On second thought, this doesn't really bother me, actually I kind of get a kick out of the shocked and/or offended look on your face. It will however serve to emphasise how annoying you are and will perhaps make me want to slap you.

And while we're on this topic here are a few more things you should probably refrain from doing:

• Rubbing a pregnant woman's belly.  How would you like it if a perfect stranger came up to you and rubbed your sagging bosom or your belly paunch? Not so nice now is it? 
• Tell horror stories to the pregnant lady in front of you at the checkout. A pregnant woman has enough to worry about without hearing horror stories about your daughters coworkers friends 36 hour labour, 72 stitches and her poor twelve toed, three eyed baby. She knows that bad things can happen, she doesn't need you exaggerating them.

That is all for now. If you continue you're inappropriate behaviour you will no doubt receive another letter.
Thank you,
The Stranger Whose Baby You Accosted in the Cereal Isle.