Five Months!



Loving your jolly jumper!

 Dear Claire Bear,
I can't believe you're 5 months old already! As I write this we are both in a turkey stupor, me from the giant turkey dinner I ate to celebrate Nans (my mom) birthday. You are just stupefied by association. For her birthday we made Nan a scrapbook page with your pictures and a hand and footprint. Only one of each because I had a hard enough time keeping you from getting the inky appendages in your mouth without doing both hands and feet. We all agreed that your hand and foot prints look much larger than your actual hands and feet.

So once again I fail at keeping an up to date blog for you. It's just that you are growing and learning things so quickly. I'm afraid if I turn away for one minute you'll be dressing all in black whilst spewing teenage angst all over the place. I'd rather take spit up, poop and drool being spewed everywhere right now. Speaking of drool. You're still the champion drooler (but no teeth yet!). In fact you've recently learned to blow raspberries and it is now you're most favorite thing to do - except, perhaps, for sucking on your toes. You can project drool an impressive distance!

 Here are some other noteworthy things :

• You can now roll both ways which is great but also terrifying because next comes crawling and then walking and then teenage angst! 
• You have found your toes! You love them and find they make the best teething toys. I'll bet that'll change the first time you try chewing on them when you have actual teeth.
• Naps still suck (at least according to you, I would personally love more naps).
• You are even more in love with the dog Bella. Just seeing her walk around makes you light up. If she's playing with her toys you will give big belly laughs. 
• You've also started reaching for Bella which, lets be honest, grosses me out. I have never been the kind of person to let the pets sleep on the bed or get on the couch (or lick my face blegh!) but I've gotten so much pickier. I must sweep the house at least twice a day and I'm still finding random dog fur on your playmat and your toys. Yuck! I guess I should just try and tell myself I'm helping you build a strong immune system. I try to convince Bella not to let you grab at her but she's too much of an attention whore to listen to me. She'll regret it when you start pulling her fur out.
• You have started eating solid food...and by solid I mean mush. so far you've had butternut squash, beans, peas, carrots, banana, avocado, and rice cereal. You are mad for all of it. You make growling grunting noises trying to get at the food. It is a messy affair but so much fun to watch you.
• Your nan (my mom) bought you a stuffed doll that laughs and giggles when you push her belly. You love it! You try and give it big sloppy kisses and you chew on her face. Very cute. 
• You have developed a phobia of birds. It started when we brought you to the pet store and the parrot scared the beejesus out of you. It has progressed to budgies, crows and blue-jays. I hope it doesn't include ducks because we have a play date set up with your cousin tomorrow to go feed the ducks at the botanical gardens. 
• You throw mini tantrums. Drama queen. Please go ahead and get these out of your system before you hit the terrible twos (which are only around the corner, with this time warp thing we seem to have going on). 
• You're about 15 pounds. I say about because you were throwing an above mentioned tantrum the last time the doctor was weighing you on those scale things. I think they need to re-invent the scales. There should be a nice comfy sling thing you can put a baby into and attach it to a hook weight (like one of those fish scale things).

Well that's all I can think of at the moment. I'm sure I'm leaving things out but I'll try and keep better track for the next post.

I can hear you waking up from your 'nap' - if 24 minutes can even be called a nap, so that's the end of this letter.

Love you,
Mom

Bad Mom, No Sleep

Dear Claire Bear,
You're momma isn't being very good at keeping up to date on your letters! You're almost five months old now and I don't know where time is going. It seems like you just got here but at the same time I can't imagine life without you.

So I'm blaming the lack of posts on your sudden and severe sleep regression. I congratulate you! You had us all fooled. We thought we were those lucky parents who had a baby that slept through the night (mostly) for about a month and then it all went to hell. You  have decided that 3am is an acceptable time to begin the day. I creep over to your crib thinking I'll just be able to pop your soother back in and you'll fall blissfully asleep but when I peek over the edge of your crib you're all smiles and so excited to see me you are practically vibrating. It usually takes about an hour to get you back to sleep and then you are up again every
half hour (or hour if you're feeling generous) playing the sleepy time equivalent of "are we there yet". Finally 6am rolls around and your daddy and I try and bribe each other to get up with you. Usually I win because Daddy has to get up at 6:30am to get ready for work anyway. And thus begins the day.

Other than the shitty sleep, life with you is pretty good. You're a generally happy baby and you're getting more and more interactive. In fact you're a bit of a diva. If no one is paying attention to you when you decide it's time you have no problem making yourself heard. You have favorite toys now (currently your butterfly crazy thing, the gourd rattle, and you crinkly book). You still like to be in your swing but you're getting to big for your bouncer. You have a thousand different smiles and everyone is totally smitten with you. My favorite is the one you pull out when you're meeting new people. It's the big grin followed by hiding in moms shoulder and peeking out at the new person. Guaranteed to melt hearts and elicit compliments and 'awwww's of delight.

I mustn't forget to mention that you rolled over! I missed it. Sort of.  We were at your nans house playing on the floor. I looked away for one second (the beautiful man from the new movie Thor came on tv...couldn't help myself) and when I looked back down at you, you were on your tummy with a very surprised look on your face. At first I thought it was a fluke but then you did it again the next day and again today. Guess this means your on the road to mobility! Must make note to self: begin baby proofing.

Here are some bullet points of other notable things since the last letter.

• You now sleep on your side with your hands tucked under your chin. This is exactly how I sleep.
• You are no longer swaddled. It was a contest of wills but I won (with the help of wine, for me not you)
• You are laughing real belly laughs more and more. Peek-a-boo is almost guaranteed to make you laugh
• You still don't nap. Your four month 1+ hour nap was a freak occurrence and it seems like I spend all my time trying to get a repeat from you.

That's all my sleep deprived mind can come up with at the moment. Now I'm going to enjoy a nice bath while you're asleep for the night. By writing that I've probably jinxed it and you'll be up any minute.
Love you (even though you're a little sleep monster),
Mom

Four Months

Dear Claire Bear,
 

You are now four months old (as of 2 days ago). I am stunned by how quickly time is flying by. Happy Four Months baby girl. You are growing by leaps and bounds - you seem to grow out of sleepers within a week or two max. Your personality is starting to really develop. You are a girl who knows what you want and you don't hesitate to tell us when we're not meeting your demands! You're also so generous with your grins and there is nothing I love better than getting sleepy baby grins as I rock you before bed.

As a gift to me on your four month birthday you took a nap in the morning that lasted 1 hour and 20 minutes! In your bassinet! That is the longest nap you've ever taken. Of course it remains to be seen if it's a trend or if you were just feeling magnanimous.

Things you like at 4 months:

 

• Silly faces - still almost guaranteed to make you smile
• The jolly jumper
• Bananas!
• Your excersaucer
• Being naked
• Playing peek-a-boo
• Waking up every three hours during the night (damn you sleep regression!)
• Watching your puppers play
• Hearing yourself talk

Things you hate at four months:
 

• Not being the center of attention for more than 30 seconds
• Being in a stationary car seat (damn red lights and Tim Horton's drive through)
• Strangers
• Strong smells - you have cried when dad lit the bbq, when the dog made a mess in the house (eeew!), when we walked into the body shop etc etc. You are a sensitive child.
• People getting in your face too soon after you wake up, even if it's people you normally like
• Getting weighed
• Hats

Things you haven't made up your mind about yet:

• Baths - you used to like them but recently it's a toss up as to whether you'll laugh or scream
• The stroller
• Your hands - you like them when they are shoving toys into your mouth but you hate them when they poke you in the eye.
• Socks

Love,

Mom

Healthy Lungs on That One Luh

Dear Claire Bear,

I was going to write a post about the public health nurses (because by now you should know that I love to complain about annoying people) but I got sidetracked with crying. Specifically your crying. More specifically how everyone is amazed at the sheer volume of your crying. So I'll tell you all about the public health nurses at a later date.

I took you to the breastfeeding clinic on Friday to get you weighed and there were a couple of babies less than a week old there. They were so tiny! Some were smaller at a week or two old than you were when you were born! So anyway these babies were crying a bit as they were being undressed and weighed. Not screaming or anything just little kitten cries. More like what I assume mewling sounds like. It was kind of cute and didn't seem stressful to me at all (I'm sure they're mothers wouldn't really agree). When I started getting you undressed you decided you weren't in the mood to be naked so you screamed! None of those little cries for you! No sir. You were going to show them all exactly how strong your lungs were.

One of the nurses made a comment like "I bet you miss the days when she (meaning you) sounded like that" (meaning the tiny baby cries). I tried to think back, and even though your early days are a bit fogged in my memory (sleep deprivation and all), I'm pretty sure you have never once sounded like that.  You have never mewled. You have always screamed. Even when they first passed you to me, all wrinkly and covered in cheese, you screamed. Granted you have reached a higher decibel level as you've grown but you were never quiet to begin with. It's always been screaming. You scrunch up you're face and let 'er rip. Sometimes you keep your eyes open just enough to give us the 'look'. The one that makes us feel like we're torturing you and encourages us to do anything humanly possible to fix whatever it was that started you off to begin with.
We've pretty much got your cries figured out. The 'hungry' cry, the 'tired' cry, the 'no one is paying attention to me' cry. The 'pain cry' (absolute worst), the 'I hate the bath cry', the 'frightened' cry and the 'plain old fussy' cry.

With all this talk about crying you might think you are a fussy baby. You aren't. You're actually a pretty even tempered baby. Only a few crying fits a day. I guess since they're so few you really want to make them count! You usually start to cry with no warning and reach the decibel level of a jumbo jet immediately. There is no conversation when you are crying because it hurts our throats to try and out-volume you. However, you're just as quick to stop crying and give us a big watery grin too. Sometimes you can't decide if you want to laugh  or cry and the faces you make are hysterical. When you are smiling and laughing it's almost impossible not to join you. You've just started to laugh this week and I spend a lot of time trying to coax another laugh out of you. Next step. Belly laughs! I can't wait!

Love you little squid,
Mommy

Friday Night Leftovers

• You are now 13 pounds 6 ounces
• We're still trying to figure out the nap thing. I can usually get you to take a short nap in the morning for a half hour or so but after that it's hit or miss. We'll keep working on it. 
• You are on night three of going to sleep without being swaddled. Thank you for not putting up too much of a fuss! It only took four tries to get you down the first night (I'm actually fairly impressed). The next night too less and we'll see what tonight brings. 
• Your bedtime keeps getting earlier and earlier. I thought 7:00pm was early but the past couple of days you've wanted to go to sleep around 6:30pm. If I try and keep you up you get too contrary to deal with so I've been giving in. Unfortunately that also means morning starts at 5:00am. 
• You are getting too big for your bassinet. It is rated up to 18 pounds but you are a ridiculously long baby and you keep squirming yourself up to the top. I'm not sure if we're going to put you in your own room or take your crib apart (again) and move it into our room.  
• You laughed this week! A proper laugh that didn't sound like some kind of bird sound. I didn't think you could get any cuter but you keep proving me wrong.
• 4 month needles next week. Not looking forward to it. AT ALL.
• You've started noticing Bella (the dog) lately and you get a kick out of watching her be an ass. She has a habit of barking at a lot of things outside. You know, things like people walking down the road, snow falling, clouds, you get the point. If she keeps it up she might not be around by the time you are old enough to read this so enjoy it now. Just kidding. Mostly.
• The physiotherapist has been worried that you didn't have full motion turning your head to the left because you wouldn't do it while we were in her office. Since we got home all you do is look to the left. All the time. Just goes to show that the physiotherapist toys are not up to your standards.
• We've spent a lot of time with your cousin John this week. He's 22 months and loves to give you kisses. Whenever you cry he brings over your soother and says 'happy'. Smart kid.
• I can't believe you're going to be four months old soon. Stop growing so fast!

For more leftovers check out here!

Friday Night Leftovers

Dear Claire Bear,

• You are teething. I am scared.
• You are drooling rivers. I can't believe you get enough milk to manage to produce that much drool. Can babies get dehydrated from drooling?
• We had your second physiotherapy session for your flat head. It went well and they're not concerned so (as I've said many times before) you can continue to sleep through the night without fear!
• This week your dad found two separate noises that scare the crap out of you. One is a sucking/slurping noise that kind of freaks me out so I can totally relate. However the other 'scary noise' is a seal noise. That arr arr noise. You hate it. Your bottom lip immediately pouts down, your eyes well up with tears and then you scream. Loudly. I've forbidden your father from making it again. He thinks if he kept doing it you'd get used to it. I think you'd need eventual therapy and I don't have enough RRSPs saved up to pay  for that when you're 20. 
• I'm not sure if it's coincidence or not but you seem frightened of my mom (Nan N). You've cried the last two times you've seen her.
• You are a tall skinny baby. You've only gained 3 ounces this week and the nurses are 'concerned' so I'm taking fenugreek to see if I can increase my milk supply and I've been adding an extra feeding in the morning (oh 4am how I missed you) to see if that's it. I think you just take after us as we were both tall skinny babies until around 4 months when we got to be tall fat babies. 
• You had a 20 minute long conversation with your rubber duckie this morning.
• You are big enough to go in your jolly jumper and your excersaucer now. You love both for about 15 minute intervals. We have to put a stacksof books under your feet so you have something to push off of when you're in the excersaucer. 
• Naps are losing. You are winning. A lot. 
• It snowed today. It's April! Not fair. I can't wait for the weather to be good so I don't have to bundle you up to take you outside.

Want more leftovers? Check out here!

Hospital Advice

Dear Claire Bear,

First a nap update. Mom fails.
Day One: 1 hour of soothing followed by 45 minutes unswaddled. No afternoon nap.
Day Two: 45 minutes of soothing followed by mom giving up and swaddling you then 1 hour-ish nap. Cat naps on mom for rest of day
Day Three: Out and about so nap training on hold.
Day Four: 15 minutes of soothing followed by 15 minute nap (unswaddled) and then an hour of trying to get you back to sleep. Give up and cat nap on mom for rest of naps.

I think you're winning.

Now, some annoying things I was told in the hospital by so called professionals:

1. Time your babies feeds, track your babies diapers, jot down when your baby sleeps. This is one of those things they tell you in the hospital just to see how quickly  it will make you go insane. A new mom brings home this beautiful little baby/monster and is expected to constantly keep an eye on the clock and a pen and paper near to record every aspect of every bodily fluid that your baby ingests or expels. Unless your child is jaundiced or has another medical reason to do this, it is useless. You had no schedule and you thrived on pretending to have a schedule then suddenly jumping ship just when we thought we had it figured out. Also you tended to sleep in 10-15 minute increments or do the fake out where you fall asleep 12 times before you would actually stay asleep. Oh and the pretending to be sleepy and then turning into a grinning little manic monkey was another favorite trick of yours (I didn't mind this trick so much as you were just too adorable!).  I have a paper lying around somewhere from one of the first days of momhood stating that you went to sleep at 10:00am 10:07, 10:13 and 10:22. Also I would invariably forget to write down a feeding or diaper change and panic upon reading that the baby hadn't eaten in 7 hours. Next time (assuming one day you will have a baby brother or sister) I will save myself the hassle. When baby cries check diaper. If diaper is clean then feed. Generally one of those will work but sometimes baby will just cry. Accept that the 'bounce and pat' or a variety of that maneuver will be a major part of your day from now on.

2. Not to let the baby spend too long in the swing or bouncy chair. I say a happy mommy is a healthy mommy and that baby needs both a happy mommy and a healthy mommy to strive. There were times when nothing would stop you crying other than putting you in the swing and playing that horrible monotone lullaby...so I did. You were happy, I was happy. As I said in a previous post, your flat head is totally fixable (not that the swing gave you a flat head, you did that by refusing to turn your head to one side or the other while you sleep...you are a wonderfully stubborn child)

3. Use a pacifier. The 'experts' seem to think this will cause nipple confusion. You already had nipple confusion whereby you thought my nipples were actually chew toys so introducing the soother did nothing other than give me a break. Also you are a baby who doesn't need to have the soother re-inserted every 10 minutes after you go to bed (except during naps, grr!) which is so wonderful for mommy. Keep that up! It will count as bonus points toward the promised car in your future. Maybe I'll spring for some fuzzy dice in the window!

4. Introducing the bottle too early. Another case of possible nipple confusion. I've heard this could happen but you had no trouble. I don't think you really care where the milk comes from as long as it's available upon demand in sufficient quantities. And it also helped Dad so he didn't have to miss out on those special 2:00am feedings that everyone tells us to enjoy because 'they grow up so fast'.

5. Sleep when the baby sleeps. In theory this is great advice. It just didn't work for me. At all. I love my sleep but there is nothing worse than lying down with a peacefully sleeping baby, getting just to the point of a nice deep sleep and then having your heart jump into your throat when the baby screams bloody murder out of the blue (as you were wont to do). You were (and still are) a power cat napper. The baby books say that babies are supposed to sleep something like 14 hours out of every 24. You do this, however you do all your daytime sleeping in 20 minute or less increments. If I am exhausted and lie down for a 15 minute nap I wake up like a zombie.

6. Buy intellectually stimulating toys. Okay yes in theory (again) this is a good idea. Every parent wants to give their child toys that will help with your development. Great. However, spending money on these things is usually a waste unless they have another purpose (I would not be without your bouncy chair or exersaucer for anything). So far your favorite toys are, in order: a) bag of unopened chips. You love the crinkly sound and the color b) a couple of black and white pictures of dots and shapes that I painted you c) the dollar store rubber ducky you daddy bought you. You have no interest in those baby genius things or the toys that play classical music. You are a reggae and salsa girl. I predict you will like travelling when you are older :D

7. Get baby on a schedule. NOT A CHANCE. At least not until you were pretty much three months old. Then you just adopted a schedule and left it up to your dad and I to figure it out.

Sleep tight baby girl,
Mom

Nap Training

Dear Claire Bear,

You are a pretty good nighttime sleeper (I cringe as I write that because putting it out there on the Internet just seems like tempting fate). You generally go to bed around 7:00 or 8:00pm and wake up at around 4:30 or 5:00am. It took much work from both your daddy and I to get to this point. The first three weeks you slept in the bed between me and your dad. I had to put a stop to it because I'd have a little heart attack every time I woke up and saw that the blanket had creeped up closer to your face. One middle of the night I woke up with my arm over your head (over, not on).  Still, it freaked me out so much that I immediately started bawling (remember how in a previous post I wrote about how I was a mess the first few weeks?) and your father thought I'd cracked up.

So after that we moved you to a bassinet next to my side of the bed. What a joy it was getting you to sleep in your bassinet by yourself. Can you sense the sarcasm? You'd think we were putting you out in the doghouse in the backyard. We spent weeks soothing you a million times in the night. You're bassinet was stupid. The vibrate thing didn't work. So I read on the WB group that another Mom had taken the vibrate thingy out of the bouncy chair and put it in the bassinet. I tried it and it seemed like it would work but then I noticed
that it was slowly creeping it's way around the mattress and I was afraid it would bonk you in the head.

Then we tried the manual jiggling of the bassinet. It seems like your favorite thing to do was start to cry so that one of us would have to pick you up and bounce you. When you were calm we'd lay you ever so gently back down and the one of us would have to jiggle the bassinet (while shhhhing you) until you fell asleep. I can't count the number of nights I fell asleep with my arm over the side of the bassinet. I'd wake up when you wanted to nurse again with a numb arm and a sore shoulder.

Eventually you learned to take a soother and we learned the joys of swaddling and a routine and now we have it pretty good. I take you upstairs and we change your diaper, give you a quick spot clean and put on your pjs. We read a book and you get swaddled before you get a before bed snack. You get a burp and rock in the glider before I put you to bed and give you your soother. Most nights you stare around for a while and then go to sleep. Your nighttime grunting, groaning, tossing and turning will be an entire post to itself later on.

Naps, however, are a completely different matter. It's my fault. Back when I was much more sleep deprived it was easier to let you nap on me for an hour and a half and actually get a bit of peace than to fight with you to sleep by yourself. Plus I was too nervous to let you out of my sight much for the first few weeks. Definitely wasn't ready to trust your safety to the baby monitor. So far the longest I've gotten you to nap by yourself is 20 minutes. That isn't a nap. It's a tease. So today we started nap training.

I noticed you yawning and stretching around 10am. Here's how the first solo nap attempt went:

• Change diaper
• Quick snack
• Put in bassinet
• Soother
• Reinsert soother
• Reinsert soother
• Reinsert soother
• Gently pat belly to calm you down
• Slow down belly pats in hopes it makes you sleepy and I can stop patting before all the feeling leaves my hand
• Reinsert soother after your flailing hands knock it out
• Repeat
• Repeat
• Pin down flailing hands
• Pat, pat, pat.
• Leave room. Slow. Slower. Sudden movements will wake the beast.
• Accidentally step on creaky spot in floor
• Freeze. Don't even breathe.
• Coast is clear, make way downstairs.
• Remember that I forgot to turn on the bloody monitor
• Creep back upstairs and turn on monitor
• Practically float back downstairs so as to avoid any and all possible noises.
• Enjoy 30 blissful minutes. By enjoy I mean do the dishes.

Considering your current nap habits I count attempt number one as a win for naps. I'm sure if I had swaddled you the nap would have lasted longer but I'm trying to wean you off swaddling. I figured starting with naps would be easier. I am only just beginning to enjoy you sleeping through the night. I am not nearly brave enough to mess with a good thing. Yet.

Hugs and Kisses sweet girl,
Mommy

Not Imaginary

Dear Claire Bear,

I thought I should get this post out of the way so you don't get confused later on when I write about people you have never met as if they are close friends. I know I've already spoken to you and daddy about advice given to me by lots of different women. And when you are old enough to read this you'll probably say things like 'Hey Mom, we never knew anyone named Jane Smith, why does this recipe say it's from Jane Smith?" or "Why do you keep saying Jane said this? We don't know a Jane." No, I do not have imaginary friends and I'm not losing my mind (yet...probably). When I am quoting a piece of advice or mentioning someone you've never heard of, I am most likely talking about a fellow mother from an online facebook group that has become a huge part of my (and by association, your) life. Here's the story.


When I was pregnant for the first time I found an online pregnancy community to join. I am a researcher. I can't help myself!  I am that person who googles everything and tries to learn as much as I can about any given topic. You do not even want to know how many hours went into researching cloth diapers! So, I joined the June birth club as that was the month your sister would have been born had I not miscarried. I mainly went on there to ask questions that I didn't necessarily want to ask anyone I knew in person. It was a great place to get honest answers from mothers that had 'been there, done that'. When I miscarried I moved to the grief board on the same website. It was so helpful to be able to 'talk' with other mothers who were going through the same thing. It was also very encouraging to hear from mothers who had miscarried and then gone on to have healthy babies later. I continued on to the trying to conceive board and then finally moved to the December 2010 birth club. Some women made the exact same journey I did. Some I 'met' on the trying to conceive board and others I didn't 'meet' until well into our pregnancies.

As sometimes happens in online communities, there was a small bit of bickering and some differing opinions. It was enough for some people to start thinking about changing things a little. This resulted in the creation of a facebook group and then things got great! I consider the women of the Winter Babies facebook group to be my friends, support system, role models, and shrinks. We marvel at each others babies, commiserate with each others trials and are willing to 'slap a bitch' on the others behalf. The group has also rallied together for some very special moms and baby's in the group who needed some extra good thoughts and support.

I'm am 100% sure that my pregnancy and journey into motherhood would have been a hell of a lot more stressful if I didn't have those special women to 'talk' to. There were days when I was feeling so blue and I would go online and read a funny post and it would be enough to lift me out of my funk. I've found myself completely preoccupied with the struggles of some of these women and their beautiful babies. There's not much of a point to this letter other than to let you know about a group of wonderful, caring, supportive women across the country who have, though I have never met them, been such an influence on me these past months.

Hugs and Kisses,
Mama

Evolution of Love

Dear Claire Bear,

I can honestly say I love you more and more every day. I'm amazed that I can love anything as much as I love you. However, this feeling didn't appear the minute you were born and placed in my arms. Instead it grew day by day, exponentially it seems, and it's still growing with every gummy little smile and curious coo. One day (hopefully, far far from now!) you may decide to have your own children. I hope that you have the perfect 'love at first sight' moment when the doctor hands you your child. However, if you don't, I want you to know that it's normal. No one ever warned me that I might not feel the instant connection and I think that if I had known that what I was feeling was normal I think I would have been able to deal with it and move on much easier. Having you was the best decision your daddy and I have Know that I'm describe in the letter below how I felt at that time, when I was a hormonal, sleep and caffeine deprived, stitched up mess. It's not at all how I feel now and I'd voluntarily go through all of it 10 times over for you.


Before you were born I think I was so caught up in being pregnant and so preoccupied with the birth process that it came as a bit of a shock when they passed you to me, a little screaming, gooey, red faced baby, and told me you were mine. Even though I'd obviously thought about being a mother and looked forward to your birth I was completely unprepared and overwhelmed emotionally by the actuality of having a baby. Don't get me wrong; I'd read all the books to prepare myself. I had your nursery completed and a variety of stimulating toys for you. I stocked up on cloth diapers and all the other baby necessities. I had cleaned and re-cleaned the house. I stocked up the fridge and freezer with easy to cook foods for those days we just didn't get around to cooking dinner (which I foolishly thought would be the less frequent occurrence).


When I thought of the post-labour days, I imagined sitting in the living room with the Christmas tree lit up, staring into your little sleeping face and being overwhelmed with love and adoration. It didn't quite happen that way. When you were born I thought you were adorable but I didn't feel that 'love at first sight' that everyone always talked about. I changed your diapers and fed you and tried to keep you happy but it felt like I was babysitting someones baby. The immediate connection I'd been waiting for wasn't there. I just couldn't relate you to the baby that only the day before had been in my belly kicking and squirming and oddly enough I missed that baby (have you ever heard anything more foolish?). I felt trapped. Every thought I had or action I contemplated couldn't be about me. I couldn't just use the washroom or get a shower without thinking about where you were and if you'd be okay while I was occupied. I know now that it's pretty normal to feel a bit trapped and overwhelmed but at the time I thought I was already a horrible mother.


You were discharged on the 21st of December and your father and I foolishly decided to go about with our Christmas plans as usual. We would take you to dinner at one of our families houses and everyone would coo and exclaim over you and say things like "you must be so happy" or "you're going to be a great mom" and all I could think was it was all a lie. The minute I was alone I would start crying and I would only stop when your father took you and comforted you (he was so amazing with you from the very beginning). I felt so ashamed that I didn't tell your father what I was thinking. I just told him I didn't know why I was crying and that it must be hormones. It also didn't help that your Aunt had a baby just over a year before you were born and she was a natural. She loved being a mother from the first second and two days after giving birth she was up and running about (this was all my hormonal thinking, your Aunt was a huge help to us when we couldn't find the time to walk the dog or cook supper). I kept comparing myself to her and I looked exactly how you would picture someone who wasn't sleeping and had just pushed an 8 pound baby out of her vagina (and possibly broken her tailbone, at least that's how it felt and still feels three months postpartum). Wrecked!


Being sore and sleep deprived wasn't helping. Everyone tells you that sleep is the thing you'll miss most but I don't think it's possible to appreciate it until you actually have a baby. I knew theoretically that I'd be up at least every three hours to feed you but when you consider that feeding takes 40 minutes and you needed your diaper changed there was only about two hours between feedings). I thought I'd be able to handle it well. After all I used to routinely go to work on three or four hours of sleep a night. Apparently the fact that my previous sleep deprivation was voluntary made all the difference. Plus you were a good baby! Other than having your days and nights completely reversed and needing to be held a lot, you were very good tempered. I belong to a wonderful birth group (which I will dedicate an entire post to later) and some of them had colicky babies, some babies had health issues which required surgery or extended hospital visits, and these mothers were amazing. I thought to myself, if these mothers could so gracefully deal with way more stressful times I should be able to cope with one good natured baby!


So the point of all this is that for the first two weeks or so I was a wreck. I felt like my life was out of control and that I was a horrible mother. I cried all the time and I was terrified to be left alone with you. I had nightmares almost every night and I was on the very brink of talking to my doctor about post-partum depression. About a week after you were born I noticed that the day times were getting easier but as night approached I started sinking down again. After about three weeks I noticed that nights were getting a bit easier other than the occasional really bad night. I started getting to know you as a little person that was a part of me and a part of the man I loved and a part that was uniquely Claire Bear. After that things started getting easier. I was getting to know what you liked and disliked and getting more confident that I could care for you.


Your father was a giant help while I was going through this. I don't think he could understand what I was thinking (he has adored you since the second he saw you) but he didn't have to. He still got up with me when I was feeding you. He told me I was doing great and kept me looking forward to the time when I'd be healed up and feeling less like a basket-case. He convinced me that I wasn't actually going crazy (which when you know our family history you will, unfortunately, realize was a slight possibility).


I'm not sure exactly when I realized that I loved you so very much. I think it came in bits and pieces. Lying with you in bed while you grabbed onto my finger, seeing you focus on my face, that first gummy little smile; they all added up. I don't want you to think that I didn't love you from the start. I did. I just needed some time to get used to being a mommy.

Loving you more each day,
Mama

Friendly Advice

Dear Claire,
The letter below will give you an idea of how I feel after almost all of our trips to the grocery store. I am sure if you could properly express yourself you'd agree with me. I will try my hardest to keep you away from strange people who insist on invading your personal space. However, sometimes doing so would involve acts that might land me in jail and your daddy is too much of a 'nice guy' to tell little old ladies to back off. To stay out of jail I might have to stick to passive aggressive ways to keep the hoards away, so I apologize if someone slips through the defences every once and a while.
Love,
Mama

Dear old lady at the grocery store:

Here are some things you are not allowed to do:

• Paw at, kiss, pinch or otherwise touch my baby. Period. She is not public property and you've just been digging through the meat section looking for the perfect piece of meat that you can chew up with your false teeth. You can look but don't touch (didn't your parents teach you anything?). You wouldn't do this to an adult would you? Anyway what is so special about a baby? They are not an endangered species, you can see them just about anywhere. Why they elicit such a response in complete strangers is beyond me.
• Ask me if I 'tore' down there (yes this really happened!) or otherwise comment on my post-pregnancy body. Some conversations are not appropriate in public areas or with a complete stranger. I do not ask the condition of your lady bits or comment on the fact that your breasts are down around your knees so do not assume I am going to answer similar questions.  Nor should you take my not answering to mean that I want to hear about your birth experience 60 years ago and how it destroyed your body.
• Get offended when I politely ask you to keep your hands to yourself. On second thought, this doesn't really bother me, actually I kind of get a kick out of the shocked and/or offended look on your face. It will however serve to emphasise how annoying you are and will perhaps make me want to slap you.

And while we're on this topic here are a few more things you should probably refrain from doing:

• Rubbing a pregnant woman's belly.  How would you like it if a perfect stranger came up to you and rubbed your sagging bosom or your belly paunch? Not so nice now is it? 
• Tell horror stories to the pregnant lady in front of you at the checkout. A pregnant woman has enough to worry about without hearing horror stories about your daughters coworkers friends 36 hour labour, 72 stitches and her poor twelve toed, three eyed baby. She knows that bad things can happen, she doesn't need you exaggerating them.

That is all for now. If you continue you're inappropriate behaviour you will no doubt receive another letter.
Thank you,
The Stranger Whose Baby You Accosted in the Cereal Isle.

Mushroom Head

Dear Claire Bear,
Today we took you for your appointment with the physiotherapy and occupational therapy people at the janeway for your flat head. Yes you have a flat head, we'll get into that later. (sidenote: why exactly do they need an occupational therapy section at a children's hospital?).

Lets back up a second. You hate tummy time. Period. We have tried all the 'tricks' to teach you that tummy time is fun but it just ain't happening. The best result we've gotten so far is three or four minutes of you lying there with your head to one side licking your hand, followed by a whine or two then unholy screaming if we don't pick you up quick enough. You can keep your head pretty steady when we sit you up but actually pushing yourself up? Not a chance.

So we took you to the place and the therapist lady (whom you wouldn't let even touch you) showed us some 'tricks' to get you to lift your head. I was skeptical but lo and behold you performed like a trained seal! You were lifting your head like a pro. This proves that you already hold other 'professional authorities' in higher regard than either of your parents. I will remember this when it comes time to teach you to eat your vegetables, clean your room and adopt good personal hygiene habits. I can see it now, we'll have to dress someone up like a cartoon character and have them explain the benefits of vegetables using PowerPoint and pie charts. I have a feeling the 'because I said so' explanation is not going to cut it with you.

So the therapist felt your big head and told us that since it wasn't yet shaped like a mushroom you're still only slightly flat-headed and there's still hope! She also said it was probably due to sleeping for a long stretch during the night (but we won't really consider changing that! Remember there is a car in your future if you keep up the good sleep habits!). We are also supposed to put you down to nap on your side whenever we are there to keep an eye on you. I told the therapist that as soon as I can figure out how to a) make you take naps and b)lie in your bassinet during the day I'll be sure to mess it all up by rolling you onto your side. 

So we get home and put you on your tummy (doing the exact same thing we've always done) and you lift your head up straightaway. You will still only tolerate it for short periods of time but it's a great step in the right direction! We have to bring you back in two weeks so they can measure your head on the scale of 'round to mushroom' to check that you're not getting flatter. We are going to try our best but as your doctor says "a flat head means she has a flat head. Don't let her shave her hair off when she's a teenager'

Love you,
Mom

Better Late Than Never

March 21, 2010
Dear Claire Bear,
I know I'm a little late to this blog thing (since you're three months old and all) but it's taken this long to get over the fact that you are finally here and it's not all a wonderful (and sometimes terrifying) dream. I can't imagine life before you (and with the sleep deprivation I definitely can't remember life before you!) and I fall more and more in love with you every day.

The first month was a whirlwind of nursing, diaper changes, crying and sleep deprivation. I had a hard time with the baby blues for a couple of weeks but once that was in the past I could finally enjoy being a mommy. I loved you from the start, I just had to get to know you a little better before I finally realized you were mine. You've changed so much since then. I can barely remember the unfocused little baby who hated getting changed and slept all day and was awake all night.

You're second month is a lot clearer in my memory. You started becoming more of a little person who was interested in the world (and occasionally let your poor mama and daddy get a bit sleep). This, the third, month is just blowing me away. You change and discover new things daily. You're constantly laughing and smiling and now you're learning which toys you like best. Just this week you've discovered that you love being held facing outwards. It's a sign of your growing curiosity in the world around you. You still don't quite know what to do with those wiggly things on the end of your arms but they fascinate you. I'm going to try and keep posting to this blog fairly often but I can't make any promises as being your mom is a full time job. I've written down some random tidbits from the past months and I'm sure I'll remember more things to add.

• You make a funny froggy face just before you're going to cry (gives us a bit of warning). If we don't do something to remedy whatever has got you upset you start screaming. There is no building up to it...you just let loose. You're a diva that way.
• You are also pretty quick to calm down if we manage to figure out whatever is bothering you. However you don't like to let us think we've won so you keep up with the occasional yell for a few minutes afterwards, but we can tell you don't really mean it.
• Unless you are seriously freaking out, a diaper change will almost always calm you down. You are happiest when you're naked. I do hope you learn to enjoy wearing clothes at some point, preferably before you hit those dreaded teenage years...for your dads sake anyway. He's already having nightmares about keeping the boys away from you.
• In the morning you are sometimes awake for a half hour before we get you up. You're usually laughing and cooing and looking eager to start your day. Sometimes you get so excited to be taken out of your swaddle that you flail around excitedly and give a big open mouth happy-screech
• You've started sucking on your fists but you don't have great control yet. Sometimes you stuff them so far in your mouth you make yourself gag but you can't figure out how to get them back out again. Lack of hand/arm control also means you pull your own hair and pinch your stomach which then makes you cry. When we laugh at you, you look as though we've mortally offended you.
• You love when people stick out their tongue at you.
• You're more interested in hearing poetry than reading children's books. Shakespeare sonnets usually capture your attention for a few minutes.
• You are outgrowing all your little clothes at a fantastic rate. I tear up every time I have to put a tiny little outfit in the 'too small' pile.

Loving you more and more everyday,
Your Mama